Mark Serritella: News / Blog

Great news! They're playing me on SIRIUS Radio. My CDs have been on XM Radio for a couple of years, but people out there have been hearing them on SIRIUS as well - so I'm excited!

And recently I showcased for the HBO Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, so I'll keep you all posted! Ok, have a good day.

Bob Woodward has written a scathing review of Donald Rumsfeld in a book entitled "State of Denial". When asked about the book, Rumsfeld said "that book does not even exist".

This week Israel completed its pullout from Lebanon and Bobby Brown completed his pull out of Whitney Houston. A spokesman for Whitney Houston said "I have bags of rock for five bucks!"

Nintendo has created video games for the elderly. The elderly Ms. Pacman had to be scratched because her saggy boobs slowed her down.

Republican Sen Mark Foley has resigned over allegations that he had an affair with a 16 year old male page. He said he made a mistake when he took literally George Bush’s orders to "f@ck Americans in the ass".

San Diego is in rough shape - gas prices are the highest in the nation, rent and mortgages are constantly rising and a cop shot their starting linebacker - what’s next the mayor rapes Phillip Rivers?

Michael Jackson and his ex-wife have settled their child custody suit. The judge gave custody to the King of Pop stating "the only person crazier than Michael Jackson is the person who would marry Michael Jackson".

In 2006, Atalanta was rated the worst city for sleeping, but on the positive side it was voted best city for biscuits.

OPEC President Edmund Daukoru announced on Thursday, OPEC would cut supplies to address a 23 percent drop in prices since July 14. In related news, Edmund Daukoru just completed his application for hell.

A bodyguard for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie manhandled a photographer in India - the photographer was actually relieved afterwards noting the "manhandling" he could have received form Angelina herself.

Jennifer Lopez has had her first child - Oddly enough the child has been divorced once already and came out doing the rump shaker.

Former Miss America Shana Moakler and Paris Hilton got in a fist fight over former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker - in related news a bartender somewhere has a hard on... the bill was entitled "When Stupid People Attack".

North Korea tested a nuclear bomb this week. They say the only thing that can survive a North Korean Nuclear blast is Kim Jong II’s toupee.

NEWS:

Mark has been accepted for the 4th time to perform at the Boston Comedy Festival taking place September 10 - 16. Mark will be at The Boston Comedy Connection on September 12th at 7pm.

Mark Serritella to continue College Tour with Dat Phan this fall. Coming to a campus near you!

President Bush just turned 60. He said he "still feels young and can't wait till he turns 50."

In a deal between George Bush and Vladimir Putin, the U.S. has decided to allow Russia to store our atomic waste. Maybe if you're good Russia you can also have our raw sewage, but only if you're good.

Shannon Dougherty will sit in for Star Jones on "The View" this week. Also scheduled to sit in are Katherine McPhee, Kelly Maraco, Carrie Anne Inaba. As luck would have it, they can all fit in the seat at the same exact time.

In Miami, Nicky Hilton says she plans to open a new hotel, and Paris says she plans to open her legs.

Paris Hilton is in a video she actually planned. It's on MTV and the singing is Hilton-esque. Upon hearing the final cut, her dog Tinkerbell said "bitch maybe I should sing back up!"

71-year old Sophia Loren is posing nude in the new Parelli Calendar... break out the Cialis and lets go crazy, but not if you have a heart condition. Oddly enough, rubber from her face was recycled from tires. Don't feel bad Sophia, I would still marry you tomorrow if you asked or if we we actaully knew each other.

A 62-year-old child psychiatrist has become Britain's oldest mother after undergoing fertility treatment The baby is 6 pounds, 10 ounces and 35 years old. It came out smoking a cigarette and with true male-pattern-baldness.

Andres Manuel Lopez canidate in Mexico's disputed election had 100,000 people show up in protest of the results. Protesters marched unabated all the way from Mexico City to Los Angeles. I'm not saying there was fraud, but there was a certain Senor Jeb Bush spotted in Mexico City last week.

The 11th Annual Redneck Games happened in Georgia last week. The games first began in 2000 and the trophy is a crushed and mounted can of Bud Light. A team from San Bernardino came in first. That's right first place, not third... first! Let's see Italy come in first place in biggest female beer gut! Go ahead have your World Cup, we got chicks who can consume 15 pounds of pork rhines, no problem, and that's hot!

Robert Downey Junior is writing an autobiography which takes a "candid look at the highs and lows of his life and career." It is reported that you can actually take the paper from the book and roll joints with it.

BLOG ENTRY:

Based on a true Story

Dennis a handsome young sales representative is in the shower, he squeezes out the last of the shower gel into his palm and lathers up his pectoral muscles for the second time. He already got that spot but the shower is warm and he doesn't want to get out. He stares out the window; it's sunny... it always is - it's San Diego. The window is open and a breeze comes through the window, turning Dennis' nipples hard.

Meanwhile another Nipple is having a very hard time of her own. It's Jill Nipple, Dennis' roommate Steven's swarthy girlfriend. She's a good girl - a throw back - looks like she should be serving beer to dwarves in Middle Earth. Pleasant, full-figured, loves to eat and laugh. She's popular with Steven's friends and she dreams of one day marrying him. Everything is so good, but not on this day!

Steven has walked up to the bagel store to grab them some egg sandwiches, but Jill's colon is already throbbing. It's beating like a drum. It feels like an oily bird is trying to hatch out of her ass. It's beak is piercing her O ring and her muscles controlling that device are weakening! "Dennis hurry up in there!" she screams again and again.... but in her own mind. She can't say that out loud - he'll know she has to take a crap!

Dennis turns up the heat and decides to take a little longer today, besides he woke up early, lifted real hard and deserves it. Ah! San Diego.

Jill's ass is going to erupt! "Maybe I should run to the gas station." she thinks. "No if I run I might loosen it up and crap my pants like Steven's friend Brian on the highway." "Ooh was that Dennis turning off the water?" "No he's turning it up?!"

Jill frantically walk/runs into the living room. Chirp! Chirp! the bird wants out and something.... two more birds are pushing it's feet! She runs out into the garage.... into the backyard.... i'll crap on the grass and blame it on the dog, besides there's plenty of dog shit out here already.

"Hey Jill!, what's up girl? You lookin fine in those pajamas" it's Steven black neighbor Roy.

"Good morning!" Jill runs back into the house. She sees her escape! Stevens newspaper. He's trying to find a new job, but who cares she can buy him a new one! She grabs it, runs out into the garage, lays down the paper, grabs the edge of the sink and shits on it like an 8 week old puppy. The sound is like.... it's like shit hitting a newspaper quite frankly.

The sound of the water rushing through the pipes remind Jill of her new nemises Dennis! The water suddenly stops. How ironic! Jill pulls her PJs up over her shitty bottom and gathers her poopy paper. Oh god! some got on the washing machine. She wipes it off with Dennis' dirty laundry, opens the garage door and throws the paper in the trash can.... never to be seen again.

Dennis leaves the bathroom and Jill quickly enters. She cleans herself up, and her mind slowly relaxes too. "It's kind of funny" she thinks to herself. She gets out of the shower and it's in the past.

Dennis leaves for work and Steven comes home bagels in hand. Should she eat again? Yeah why not? Halfway through the egg sandwiches, Steve notices his paper is gone - Dennis took it! And he needs a new job - son of a bitch!

"Babe, did Dennis take my paper?" Jill's parents told her never to lie.

"No I don't think so." is her repsonse.

Steve knows where to check! The garbage can outside. He walks out the door, but is pulled back inside by a teary eyed Jill who confesses everything to him along with her love.